Coping Up With Failed Marriage

Except for a few unorthodox souls, almost everyone wants to be in a relationship--be it in a serious and committed relationship, purely sexual or just for fun, platonic or whatever category anyone could come up with. Even those who are adamant that they can actually live their entire lives independently, craves for someone who would be there for them particularly during their lowest points.

I, for one, am not too hypocritical to admit that in as much as I enjoy my independence and no matter how I sometimes get annoyed with a partner's habits, I like being in a relationship-- to love and be loved.

However going through divorce/separation/annulment isn't really something that we anticipate once we finally decide to tie the knot. Despite the increasing number of divorces, separation and annulment all around the globe, once it happens to you, its impact doesn’t necessarily diminish.

During such an ordeal, our coping and defense mechanisms may vary. But it basically revolves among the following behavioral responses:

• Intense anger and a general lack of conviction about other people's motive. Because over time, you tend to suppress your anger, there are times when you find yourself flaring up or going ballistic over things which, prior to your broken or failed relationship, are somehow more tolerable
  
• A desire to "liberate" yourself. Be promiscuous. Get even. Have sex "without emotion." Anything to distract you and forget the feeling of betrayal or that notion that you are a failure
  
• An inclination not to care anymore. Let yourself loose. Hence, the number of people who become obese or anorexic and too old before their own age
  
• Loss of self-esteem. "What have I done wrong?" "Why did it happen to me?" “Where do I go now?"
  
• A tendency to withdraw from anything that would suggest any amount of intimacy or the opposite – an inclination to be too clingy even if it’s just a rebound relationship
  
• Prolonged and profound depression, mood swings or even bouts of manic-depressive phases
  
• A need for a scapegoat, usually a child or someone who reminds you of your ex-
  
• Downright pessimism. "I'll never find someone again and I would die alone."
  
• A general disinterest in everything else. "Life is futile."

Ironically, society would often tell us that our experience isn't really unique, therefore, we ought to just forget it and move on, usually without taking into consideration its impact in our lives which is usually carried over, perhaps until old age. From now on, there will always be the question whether your next serious relationship would finally work out, or even whether there will ever be another serious relationship. After all, not everyone gets a second chance.

Such are the harsh realities that most of us try hard to face. But to be able to acknowledge and confront these fears and dilemmas is actually the first big step that we have to do in order to finally move on. After all, we were already forced out of our comfort zones. What we need to do now is to regain our faith in life and in ourselves -- Without faith, one can never be truly happy or at peace with himself.

I realize nonetheless, that what may seem a very simple advice, can actually be very hard to do and achieve. Hence, we need not force the issue to hasten our recovery. Instead, we should try taking one small step at a time, until we become strong enough or equipped enough to take bigger steps.

What is important is that we don’t give up on everything else in our life and understand that this is just another hurdle that we have to overcome. And yes, unless we choose to, this isn’t really permanent. In time, you will be able to smile again and move on.

Yet again, life can still be blissful!

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